If you have at all followed this blog, you will know that it’s very name means that I am from Saskatchewan and living in BC. This affords me the opportunity to forget about things happening back at home. Today, however, I am going to talk a bit about how I feel about what is going on back at home with my family.
A while ago, maybe two years ago, my ‘second dad’ died, Mr. John Smith. For me it didn’t really hit until recently when his wife moved out of the city. I love that family, for a long time when I was growing up, they were the people that I would run to if I needed anything. I could always talk to them, they were family. I went to his funeral, I even cried allowing myself to grieve a bit, but it never actually hit me that He was gone, until now.
My grandma is dealing with Alzheimer’s and I have done a very good job not letting it hit me. I find it easier to use an out of sight out of mind tactic when dealing with this kind of stuff that is happening at home. It’s the benefit of distance, but it isn’t available to me constantly. I read my aunt’s blog whenever she comes out with a new post. Sometimes I have a hard time getting through the blog post as she talks about struggles with my Grandma and Grandpa, whom I love dearly.
In this last post, My aunt talked about emotional survival. I have found that my out of sight, out of mind situation is not helping me out. I just let things pile up until I can’t deal with them anymore. This is me. Just my own method of dulling the pain, which I am finding I can’t do anymore because it is actually hurting the thing that I love to do, act. Emotional survival is not simply surviving, but thriving. Going through a situation, not simply looking at what is going on, but allowing yourself not to shut off everything inside while you are going through it and letting things out in a healthy way.
Knowing that my family is going through this back home hasn’t quite hit. I like to visit my grandma and grandpa whenever I get a chance, but every time I am kind of scared how much Grandma’s memory has deteriorated. When I walk in will she remember me? She doesn’t know my sisters children, how far has she deteriorated? Will she be the grandma I remember, or will she be the grandma that I hear about when I talk to my parents or read my aunt’s blog? I know that things probably aren’t that bad, but I don’t know and sometimes I am scared to ask. ‘It isn’t true as long as I don’t know for sure.’
This is the cost of distance. It may hurt even more had I lived in the city, but sometimes I think that maybe the not knowing may be worse. I love my aunt’s blog (The Book Bowery) because it affords me the opportunity to keep tabs on what is happening. I am so happy that I know that my aunt is taking care of things at home and I am honoured to have such an amazing family who are there with my grandparents and I also want to honour and thank my aunt Evonne for what she is going through with them. I love you and want you to know that what you do for them means so much to me. I don’t pretend to know what my family back home is going through and I’m sure that what I see is only a part and what I am feeling is only a portion of what they are feeling, but I am so, so, so appreciative of everybody helping out.
Life changes and evolves, we can’t get away from it. We can’t not feel and survive emotionally. We can’t bottle things up or pretend that it didn’t happen, even though that may be easier to swallow in the moment. Whether it be John Smith, my Grandma, or other news that hits me. I refuse to run from or block the emotions. When life evolves, I must feel what is happening and evolve with it, or I risk becoming dead inside until I am dead on the outside.
I thank God that I can talk to the people around me here. That I have a support system that I can use if I need to. I thank God that I have such reliable people at home taking care of things. I thank God for his divine grace under pressure for my family. I pray peace, wisdom, love, and strength over everybody at home, I love you.
The photo at the top of this post was previously posted by my aunt on her own blog (https://wp.me/p3amJ7-dz)